After 40…

A friend of mine in her early 30s found her first signs of crows feet. By her reaction I didn’t know if she needed talked off the ledge or a bottle of wine. She jokingly asked me, “Is it all downhill from here?”

When it comes to fine lines and gravity…yes. Yes it is 😉

She looked shocked when I told her that when I turned 40, life got better. (Gravity still stinks but whatever lol).

Being 40+ is a beautiful thing for one major reason: you finally learn to cut all of the unnecessary BS out of your life and you stop apologizing for it.

With unnecessary BS, comes unnecessary people.

When I turned 40, I realized that I no longer have the energy for meaningless friendships, forced interactions or unnecessary conversations. 

It. Is. Liberating.

It’s refreshing to finally admit “ya know…I don’t care for that person…so no, I don’t want them in my circle or even on the outer layer of my circle.”

I used to feel really bad for thinking things like that or even saying them out loud…but now, I am making no apologies.

The people with ulterior motives…the people who are as authentic as my spray tan…the people who are your friend on social media so they can be a “surveillance camera” because they have never liked or commented on a picture…the people who yuck it up with you in public when you already know they can’t stand you.

Those are unnecessary people in my life.

I don’t like everyone…and that’s ok.

Not everyone likes me…and that is ok.

I have been unfriended, blocked and everything in between. It used to bother me in my younger years…it would actually keep me up at night. I would lay there and think, “What did I do? Did I say something? Did I not say something? How can I make it better?”

But once I hit 40, it became more of a relief than anything else.

Why surround yourself with people who obviously don’t care for you? If they want to delete you from their life…let them and don’t give it a second thought.

Admitting (to yourself) that you don’t like or care for someone doesn’t mean you are not KIND.

Admitting that you don’t like someone means that you value your OWN energy, heart and time.

Walk away from the people who only want to spend time “playing in the sandbox.”

It’s liberating.

We need action

At what point are we going to actually do something to protect our children?

I remember the day, time and where I was when Columbine happened. The images of all of those children running from their high school or scaling walls to get out will be etched in my mind forever. That school shooting was unimaginable…unthinkable…rare.

School shootings are no longer rare. You hear people say, “there was another school shooting today.” And it’s said in passing…like it’s normal…like we’re telling people it may rain today.

I’m tired of the two-sided war…. “TAKE THE GUNS AWAY!” “DON’T TAKE MY GUNS AWAY!”

Can we, just this one time, stop. Not to have a kumbaya moment here, but can we come the hell together and figure out how we can protect our children? And to our lawmakers in DC, I’m not looking at you because quite honestly you’re not getting anything done except arguing back and forth and looking for your next viral sound-bite.

I think the communities and their own schools should have a meeting of the minds and find a plan that works.

We need to first pop the bubble. The “it will never happen here” bubble. I get it…I share the same sentiment. I live in small-town USA where when people smile and wave at you, it’s genuine.  The thought that someone would walk into our small school and do this was in the back of my mind. Until now.

The sad and scary thing that we all know is that a school shooting can and will happen anywhere. This is our reality now.  Kids are impulsive, we know that.  They act on emotion and are unable to think ahead to any consequence. So who is to say the kid who is getting picked on won’t walk into a school with a gun because he’s fed up?

We can talk about stricter gun laws…we can talk about mental health…we can talk about everything in between. But we need to get off the Merry-Go-Round conversation that we’ve been having since April 20, 1999 and do something. Now.

Do we install metal detectors in every school? Maybe that’s the first step. We can’t fly without going through one…we can’t walk into a courthouse without going through one. I mentioned that before and someone said, “that will just scare our children!” Sorry, but our children go through active shooter training at school…they’re already uneasy. I’d feel better knowing that every backpack, coat, lunchbox or guitar case have been checked.

Before our children are born, we research every car seat…every crib…types of formula…baby carrier…gates. We childproof our electrical outlets…our cabinet doors…even our toilet seats. We have baby monitors and home security cameras rolling on every minute. As parents, we always find the way to keep our kiddos safe, don’t we? So why aren’t we doing it now? Why are we waiting on anybody else to protect our children?

This problem…this epidemic…needs an immediate solution.

Let’s bring our children into the conversation and ask them, “what will make you feel safe?” Let’s ask our teachers the same question. Our teachers should not have to worry about being a shield from bullets to protect our kids.

After that, the back-and-forth conversation needs to be over. We’ve talked long enough…and we’ve done nothing.

We need action.

 

Motherhood bat signal?

There is nothing more uncomfortable than hearing your child has been the “mean kid.” Trust me, I’ve been there.

But can we take off the rose-colored glasses and remove the blinders for a second because there are kids who are screaming for help.

A few days ago, I spoke to about 250 sixth-grade girls from around the area. When I asked them who deals with mean girl drama…EVERY HAND WENT IN THE AIR.

EVERY. HAND.

It literally took my breath away and left me speechless…which is hard to do.

I was sad for them because I know mean girls operate: they exclude. I remember vividly the girls who left me out or the ones who made talking about me a sport. With our daughters, it’s magnified because of technology. That’s why I have a love-hate relationship with all things social media because when friendships end, it’s a very public declaration.

I know my oldest has been a mean girl…she has said some not-so-nice things.

I know she has been on the receiving end of it too.

It happens. But I refuse to accept it as “part of growing up.”  Whether you want to admit it or now, there’s a little bit of helicopter mom in all of us.  So maybe we need to fire up the chopper’s engines for something meaningful like helping our daughters navigate through the drama. After all, we survived adolescence…some of us have more battle wounds than others…but we all made it.

We have to let our daughters know that it is okay to not like someone. It’s okay. You don’t have to force a friendship but you cannot make anyone feel less than. Just because you don’t want to be their friend, does not give you a free pass to be mean or rude. 

I read once that the best thing we can do for our daughters is to “teach them how to make friends, keep friends and leave friends; those are skills women need their whole lives.”  Friendships change every year. And THAT IS OK.  I know I held on to some toxic friendships for way too long because I thought I “needed to.”

Bottom line, we need to be the example for our daughters.  That means not slamming other women in front of them…not saying anything negative about a girl in her class…not trashing a girl on her team.  Nada.

I had one woman tell me that her daughter “doesn’t have to deal with mean girl drama because she is popular.” Not to point fingers, but you may be too caught up in your daughter’s social status…that kind of popularity is fleeting and it doesn’t mean your daughter is well-liked.  I got a message on Instagram from one of the sixth-graders I spoke to and she said: “The kids who think they are popular are always the rudest.”

Mic drop.

Not only do our daughters need our guidance…but they need us to stop being hypocrites. We say that we would want to know if our child is being mean so we can handle it…but do we?

Accountability has to start with us.  We have to have the tough conversations…we need to start calling our own kids out.

No, it’s not fun hearing that your child has been the mean kid…but we need to be open when another parent, teacher or even another child comes to us.

We need to have a motherhood BAT SIGNAL to let everyone know: PLEASE COME TO ME IF MY CHILD IS BEING MEAN!! I WILL BE RECEPTIVE!

Whether our skin is thick enough to hear that our child is mean or not…we need to know…we need to start talking.

We can’t change what we don’t know.

 

Perfectly, (im)perfect

The picture was perfect.

Our four little blessings, all dressed in their Easter best, with their infectious smiles beaming right at the camera.

I posted it on social media and was quickly showered with such nice comments: “What a good-looking group! You’re so blessed! They’re the sweetest!” An old college friend even messaged me, asking: “how they heck do you do it all?”

I was so flattered but it’s time to come clean: the picture…was a MIRAGE 😉

Before I have to return my “mother-of-the-year” certificate, let me say this: I am BEYOND BLESSED. I’m THANKFUL. I’m GRATEFUL.

However…

That picture does not accurately tell the whole story of the chaos that is our life. So in a world where we find ourselves often comparing our lives to others because of what we see on social media, let me pull the curtain back on Easter 2019…otherwise known as s***-show 2019.

In the moments leading up to the perfectly, perfect picture…it was WrestleMania up in our house. The youngest two, who are 3 and 18 months, were pulling each other’s hair over a chocolate peanut butter egg. Forget the fact that there were PLENTY of those eggs to go around…but apparently this particular one was the most coveted. The fight led to melted chocolate in their hair, on the rug and all over their matching dresses. Thankfully their dresses were black floral so it hid the chocolate well. Score!

Then my oldest walked upstairs wearing some cutoff jean shorts and a t-shirt.

Ummmm…??

She rolled her eyes when I informed her that we were going to Easter Sunday mass and not to an amusement park to ride rides and eat corndogs.

My son then went from 0 to 60 when he thought the littles had been stealing his Easter candy. He publicly vowed to never share another treat again.

There was shouting…pulling…pushing…crying…and everything in between.

You know…they were being KIDS.

I bribed with more Easter candy and laid out my best mom guilt for that perfectly, perfect picture. “Mommy didn’t get any candy from the Easter bunny. All Mommy wants is a picture of my favorite people.”

Yep.  It worked.  I used bribes and guilt and I am not ashamed to admit it.

But I wanted to come clean just in case someone out there thought that I lived that perfectly, perfect life. As I told my friend, I am the CEO of Chaos.

Social media has, unfortunately, caused us to do a double-take on our own lives. Whether we want to admit it or not, we compare…houses, cars, jobs, spouses, kids. I’ll admit it…I sometimes have some pangs of envy when I am scrolling through social media. Especially during Spring Break. So many of my friends were on these amazing vacations and I was at home covered with used tissues and smelling like Lysol disinfectant. While my friends were frolicking on foreign beaches, I was distributing antibiotics to all four kiddos.

Let’s be real, social media is often only “catching” us on our really good days. Lord knows I’m guilty of it.

So it was in fact the perfectly, perfect picture…of the most perfectly, imperfect children from perfectly, imperfect parents.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s not 1985.

“You cannot raise your children the way your parents raised you. Because your parents raised you for a world that no longer exists.”

I posted that on social media and I was immediately hit with emails suggesting that I was “dead wrong.”

It’s true…our values we should be teaching our children haven’t changed. Things like respect, kindness, compassion, empathy, patience, forgiveness, honesty…the list could go on.

While our values have stayed the same…our society has not.

So no…I cannot raise my children the way my parents raised me…because it’s not 1985. Things are different and I need to adjust to the times.

Back in the day, we had pen pals…our bikes were always outside our friends’ houses…we had Kool-Aid stands…we caught lightning bugs…we talked to our friends on the phone (but only until 9 because then our parents would take the phone off the hook)…we made forts with blankets…we had makeshift tents outside…we whipped our friends around on the tire swing…we recorded a mix tape for our crush…we played M.A.S.H…we roller skated in our garage…we played Pac-Man at Pizza Hut while we waited for our pie.

It was SPECTACULAR. It was FUN. It was SIMPLE. It was DRAMA-FREE.

If there was drama, you worked it out on the playground…and at 3:00pm on a Friday, it was over. Forgotten.

Monday is the new Friday for our kids. Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter are the new playgrounds…or as I like to call it…”Virtual Red Rover.” The rude comments…photographic evidence of exclusion…it is all like a clothesline to the throat over and over again.

Don’t tell me that it can be solved by taking away a teenager’s phone. That accomplishes nothing because at some point, our children need to learn how to survive and thrive in today’s society…and that involves social media. Mean girls and jerk boys…grow up to be mean women and jerk men. (I could write an entire thesis with thousands of examples on this one) So you have to learn pretty early in life how to deal with it…and you have to be prepared to deal with it MUCH later in life too.

Don’t get me wrong, I love social media. I love reconnecting with old friends…I love being able to share milestones with friends and family…I love all of that and everything in between.

But social media has changed the parenting game BIG time.

There is a pressure to be perfect. And it’s an unattainable kind of perfect that social media created with its filters and hashtags. The ridiculous goal of getting “a lot of likes” or “a lot of shares” is taking a precedence over being a GOOD KID. And let’s face it, adults face the same pressure. Whether it’s someone who posts a picture of their immaculate home or their 6-pack abs three days after having a baby…social media has a way of making us feel “less than.”

I can’t speak for any other parents…I can obviously only speak for me…but I feel an enormous amount of pressure as a mom. I see my oldest daughter, who is in the throws of being a tween. We’ve raised her with the same values we were raised with…but I’m still worried her priorities are very much 2019 priorities. I tell her every day: purpose over pretty…purpose over popularity. I pray that sticks with her.

Sure, I can pretend it’s 1985 and start taking things away completely. “KIDS, WE’RE GOING TO USE THIS PHONE…IT STAYS ATTACHED TO THE WALL.”

But then I would be failing as a parent.

I need to prepare them for the world ahead…not hang on to what once was.

So yes…the values are the same.

But I am taking off the rose-colored glasses.

 

 

 

Troll.

Trolls.

Wikipedia defines it as “a person who starts quarrels or upsets people on the Internet to distract and sow discord by posting inflammatory and digressive, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community (such as a newsgroup, forum, chat room, or blog) with the intent of provoking readers into displaying emotional responses and normalizing tangential discussion, whether for the troll’s amusement or a specific gain.”

Broken down to its simplest form: online trolls are keyboard bullies who sit high on their throne of judgment.

There is no bigger bully than the troll on the internet. The worst part of it of is…they are grown-ups. Adults. People with children and grandchildren.

I was scrolling through Facebook while waiting for my son’s soccer practice to be over when I saw an article posted by GMA. And there was the comment:

chrissy

Yep.

A woman actually wrote that. I blacked out her name because I don’t believe in any kind of online shaming…even if she deserves it for writing something so callous.

The woman in the picture is Chrissy Metz…one of the stars on “This is Us.” Her voice is AHH-MAZING. I remember watching her sing the other night on the ACM Awards and I was mesmerized. I don’t remember what she was wearing…I just remember her voice…her unbelievable talent.

Sadly, her talent was overshadowed by people picking apart her appearance…suggesting that she consult with a doctor about her weight…telling her she’s a bad role model for kids.

Hold up.

A group of adults are calling a woman, who they don’t know, every name in the book. And now suddenly they’re the experts on who is a good role model?

Online trolls disgust me.

This is the thing…an online troll is not allowed to define what beautiful is.

An online troll is not allowed to determine what size a woman or man should be.

An online troll is not allowed to determine someone’s worth.

Online trolls are cowards who have venom in their hearts…they think their keystrokes make them powerful when in reality, it only reveals how weak and pitiful they really are.

It doesn’t matter the size of your waist…the color of your hair…the shade of your lipstick…the jiggle of your thighs. Who give a s*** about the superficial nonsense? The only thing that can make someone UGLY is their lack of character or integrity…if they hold people’s head under water…or if they treat others like they’re LESS THAN.

Showcase your talents.

Share your strengths.

Share your weaknesses.

Be UNAPOLOGETICALLY YOU.

The online trolls will still be there. (Cue the eyeroll)

The trolls are haters…and haters are just confused admirers.

You’re probably taking the risks they didn’t have the guts to take.

😉

 

 

Advice for my Tween…

When you become a parent, everyone tells you it goes by fast.  I just never realized that kids grow up faster than a trip with Marty McFly in the DeLorean.

I woke up this morning with an ache in my heart…my oldest turns 11 today. She’s in full-blown tween mode but I couldn’t help to think about what is on the horizon: dances, dates, driving, prom, graduation.  Ok I know I am getting ahead of myself but just yesterday, she was a squishy little baby.

Every year on her birthday, I give my sweet Gia a list of advice to carry her through the year…and honestly I love watching her reaction when she thinks my “advice” is her present.

On your 11th birthday, here are 12 (one for good luck) pieces of life advice for you:

  1. You are loved more than you will ever be able to comprehend.
  2. Beautiful people are not always good. But good people are always beautiful.
  3. Don’t talk badly about people. Even if you “think” they gave you good reason to. Don’t. It gets messy.
  4. Use your library card every week. For books (just in case that wasn’t clear).
  5. Help others. But don’t publicize or brag about it.
  6. You may start entering the “awkward stage” of life. Ya know, acne and getting food stuck in your braces. Try to find the humor in it all…and remember when I was your age, I had a bowl cut and bottle-cap glasses. Things can always be worse 😉
  7. What makes you different, makes you great.
  8. Never act mean to fit in. That’s not the crowd you want to be in anyway.
  9. Tell me the truth and I won’t get mad.
  10. Stop with the staged pictures and all of the posing. Can you see my eye-roll? Live in the moment with your friends. Nobody is fooling anyone with the “pretend that I don’t notice the camera” shot.
  11. A pint of Tonight Dough by Ben & Jerry’s can solve everything.
  12. On your brightest mornings and on your darkest nights, I will always believe in you. Always.